Today I Choose to Believe

April 2, 2013

Today I choose to believe

Today I walked to the retention pond near our house and was greeted by these happy fellows. I had no bread, but they walked right up to me as if to give me a cheery hello. Hubby went back for bread and the camera. Two of them were a little hesitant but eagerly gulped down their portions. One little guy, the one who came up to me in the first place, actually ate from my hand. 

I thought if God has made these creatures so unique in their personalities, how much more has he fashioned uniqueness and purpose for His children. 

This is my last cancer journey entry. Although there will be mammograms, tests, and more to come. But, I am now left with the hope of a future.  I realize, I am not what I was and never will be that again, nor do I know what I will become. But for the present, I am at peace. My wig is no longer atop it’s holder ready at a minute’s notice. I have tucked it away in a drawer to be used when I want to be a blonde.

For now, I am proudly wearing my white hair, still shorter than my hubby’s but I’m wearing dresses and/or earrings and/or pretty hats so people can tell which one of us is the wife.

These last two weeks God has shown me many things.

I think of the women I met at a book signing, courageous as she is beautiful, who recently underwent a double mastectomy. She has yet to face chemo and radiation, though she has been told she has a good prognosis. I am grateful that I could smile for her and say, “There is life after chemo.”

***

From God’s heart to mine: 

Lately God has impressed on my heart not to compare my walk with Him to another’s. He has designed a unique path and experience for each believer.

Galations 6:4

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.

Too often we rob ourselves of true self-evaluation because we are too keen on comparing ourselves to what others are doing. We try to compete against them rather than focus on what God expects and desires from us. 

I have a motto:  Do your best and God will the rest.

God only wants our commitment.

***

John 10:28

I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.

Knowing this gives us rest and peace for the journey. We need not worry about failure. We are in His hand. How then can we fail unless we take ourselves from His hand?

Psalm 28:7

The Lord is my strength and my shield;
    my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
    and with my song I praise him.

The same storms that threaten to destroy us God uses to strengthen us (from Our Daily Bread)

Matthew 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am  gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

God does not call us to endure anything that is too difficult for Him to manage for us. His yoke may lead to suffering yet it it really leads to great joy because of it.

Psalm 32:7

You are my hiding place;
    you will protect me from trouble
    and surround me with songs of deliverance.

God’s promise is not freedom from trouble but His presence through it.

How many times have we called upon God to intervene in our lives only to respond with doubt?

We say, “If I could see I could believe.”

God says, “Believe and then you will see.”

Today  choose to believe and trust Him with the rest of my life. 

Faith that transcends, part IV: Where are you, Lord? - mymalonetelegram.com: Religion

Faith that transcends, part IV: Where are you, Lord? - mymalonetelegram.com: Religion: Are you up there, God?

A NEWLY SHEARED SHEEP

March 16 

Last radiation plus two weeks.

Psalm 23:1-4

Every day I feel I am gaining. 

But I am far too impatient.

I spend too many hours looking in the mirror watching my hair grow back...like watching paint dry. Tufts spike up here and there.  I look like a recently sheared lamb. 

Lately, the Lord has been teaching me about His role as my shepherd.

I’m a stubborn sheep. Want it my way and when I choose. I need His gentle staff to pull me in when I want to go my own way.

Jesus had a lot to say about shepherding. Besides being the Creator of the University visited upon lowly Earth, He was born in Shepherd City, Bethlehem  and raised in an agrarian environment. Sheep were everywhere, and their needs and personality traits understood.

Today as I re-read Psalm 23 I realize this is not simply something we say at a funeral to remind us God is with us in times of joy and sorrow. But this Psalm is also a treatment of our daily walk with God.

Makes me lie down in green pastures

The Lord knows when we need to get up and get going and when we need rest. We sheep stubbornly want to play, graze, or go exploring when we need to be corralled into the pen and sleep, for night has too many dangers. Shepherds often lay between the walls of the pen to prevent the sheep from wandering off where wolves wait to devour them. The Lord is our containment and our pasture.

Leads me besides quiet waters

We thirst for many things but under our own direction, our thirst will sometimes lead us into dangerous waters, rapids that will carry bang us against the rocks. The Lord knows where the quiet refreshing pools are. He crooks His staff, bringing us to that place where He can fill us, equip us for His good work.

Guides me in the paths of righteousness

When left to our own wisdom, right and wrong obscure. When we operate within that fog, we are prone to misjudgment.  Sheep trust the Shepherd, they follow unquestionably, without fear. Sometimes the smoothest paths are the ones that are most likely to lure us away from the Shepherd’s watchful eye. We can trust that He will lead us in no other direction but the one that is best for us.

Your rod and your staff they comfort me 

Shepherds did not use their crooks to beat the sheep. A good shepherd used it for guidance and discipline. Sheep are not afraid of the shepherd's discipline for he turns them from the wrong direction to the place of safety.

My cancer journey is continuing and the days ahead are still uncertain. Though the cancer is likely gone, the possibility of heart complications resulting from treatment loom requiring a referral to a cardiologist. This Psalm continues to comfort me and give me complete reassurance as I face unknown travels. But I am comforted by His presence, His patience, and His love.  

To Julie

To Julie:

Yesterday I went for my checkup following my last radiation treatment last week. While there I talked to a young woman who is newly diagnosed with breast cancer. Her husband was with her and the two tried hard to be brave, but terror resided in their eyes. The young woman has two boys. Just after receiving the news  she has cancer, she found out she was pregnant.

While the doctor has already reassured her that they have managed cancer treatments with minimal risk to developing fetus, their concern is completely understandable. 

I was reminded of this story I wrote a few years ago about an adoptive couple who hoped to take on a little girl, only to have their hopes dashed when the child was returned to its mother under very tenuous circumstances.

Isaiah 40:11

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart, he gently leads those that have young.

*Lisa grabbed Dave’s white hankie conveniently located on the couch. On any other day, she would confront his slovenliness. Today she was grateful for the soiled linen as she wiped away the steady stream of tears from her eyes.

                She reached for another cardboard box to finish packing Ashleigh’s belongings. She arranged the assortment of musical toys and stuffed animals, unconsciously picking up a white velvet Teddy Bear, squeezing it tightly against her chest.

                It had been a year since Ashleigh came to live with them. Six years previously, Lisa and Dave felt a call from God to become foster parents. Lisa always wanted a big family; but after years of waiting, tests, and unanswered prayer, she faced the possibility she might never conceive.

Lisa knew that God had a different plan. Before she and Dave were married and moved to the city, she worked for a foster care agency. She knew the urgent need for loving homes in which neglected children could find a nurturing environment. Dave readily supported the idea, prayerfully promising to adopt any of the children in their care should the opportunity arise. After months of specialized training, Lisa and Dave eagerly awaited the first placement.  

 (read more  http://www.lindarondeau.com/specialfeature.html

God cares for mothers and their young. He is ever vigilant in his tender mercies.

GEEZER GUYS AND GALS: Got Tattoos?

GEEZER GUYS AND GALS: Got Tattoos?:   Got Tattoos?               My former co-worker, Linda comes up with some great lines, but my favorite one is “ I’m trying to rememb...

Strength for the Battle

February 23, 2013  Four more days!

As I near the end of this part of the journey, I am grateful for so many things.  Although radiation knocks the stuffing out of me and I have only a few hours a day of productivity, I feel the effects of the chemo dissipating and look forward to renewed vigor. And there are moments of confidence within each day that demonstrate the hope I have for the future.

I have found a new fashion statement in wearing a scarf like a turban.

For walking outdoors it’s great. My head can breathe. The picture above was taken today at Yellow Bluff Civil War Encampment near the St. John's River in Jacksonville.

Later today we visited the Kingsley Plantation in Jacksonville, one of the historians dressed in costume stopped me. “Are you getting chemo therapy?”

At first, I was stunned that I stood out so obviously, that my turban was a crown of evidence.  “Yes, I said.”

He turned to the historian coming up behind him. “So is she.”

I stopped to talk to her, the woman portraying herself as an American Revolutionary soldier, bearing a musket and all the garb of a minuteman. “I understand you’re a cancer survivor, too." 

As our eyes met, I saw a kindred spirit. One who has suffered to one who has suffered in another kind of battle. Yet there was joy in that connection, a joy that prompts her to put her arms around a stranger in sympathetic understanding. “Yes,” she said. “Five years.” Her strength against adversity so symbolic in her uniform gave me hope and courage as well. “I had chemo on Thursdays and went to work on Monday. I refused to let cancer change my life.”

And that is the crux of the battle…finding normalcy within the chaos. And that is God’s specialty.

Recent nuggets found in the clouds of these past few days.  

Psalm 90:2, 14

Teach us to number our days aright that we may gain a heart of wisdom…Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

This prayer of Moses, a man of God shows us that we can only find purpose in our circumstances by purposefully surrendering each day to Him.

A quote from a friend

“Show me the way in the darkness when I cannot hear the spirit’s voice, give me the gift of trust and perseverance to continue on my way even as the sun turns in its faithful track”  source unknown.

Attributed to Eugene Peterson:

“The language of prayer is forged in the crucible of trouble. When we can’t help ourselves and call for help, when we don’t like where we are and want out, when we don’t like who we are and want to change, we use primal language, and this language becomes the lost language of prayer.”

Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

1 Corinthians 2:4 – 5

My speech and my preaching were not with persuasive words of human wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

2 Corinthians 4:8, 9, 16

We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed…therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

And today, God gave me this reminder of our wonderful privilege as believers regardless of our estate:

Hebrews 4:16

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find peace to help us in our time of need. 

Karen Ingalls: Outshining Cancer With God's Help

Karen Ingalls: Outshining Cancer With God's Help

Cancer's Fog

February 2, 2013

Cancer’s Fog  

Radiation treatment 13

With radiation treatments on a daily basis, the last two weeks have gone by quickly.  And I am almost half way through the treatments.

As I look ahead, I’m uncertain to the future.  Will the cancer come back?

While I have a 90 percent probability it won’t, there is still that ten percent of uncertainty. So I must hold to God’s promise that nothing will befall me, not even cancer, without His knowledge and abiding presence. That gives me peace during times of foggy uncertainty.

I read this note on caring bridge written by a husband whose wife is now in remission from Stage IV cancer.

 He likens remission to fog, and the difficulty of living with uncertainty as one test comes back with shades of concern but all others indicate a good report.

He states that his wife made it clear, “Cancer will give no victory lap; there will not be a majestic moment where she will emerge victorious” and that she will not let a number rule her life. “The reality for all of us is we never know how much time is in our future.”  

He continued with the insight that if all the tests had come back normal, “We might lose all the graces and growth as a result . . . Cancer gave the perspective to understand our essential roles in the Lord's plan.  This cancer question mark ensures clear eyes on what's really important.  Issues like monthly budgets, work promotions, broken automobiles and perceived slights from acquaintances no longer consume us.”

 He states what is really important for the moment. “Our family is thriving, and we feel eternally blessed.  There are no guarantees in life, and we'll have to embrace uncertainty.”

Cancer is not the only uncertainty a believer might face. Fog permeates all of life in one way or another.

Fog is a cloud in contact with the ground. 

I remember the day my brother and uncle drove from Syracuse to Northern New York to visit my mother. On a whim, my brother decided he wanted to play nine holes of golf. Not the least deterred by the drizzling rain, the three of us teed off expecting only to get a little wet.

An eerie fog, the stuff of great horror movies, formed between the fifth and sixth holes and hovered for the remainder of our game. The fog was so thick we could barely see one another’s golf cart, even when parked next to each other. Sometimes, all we could do was hit the ball and hope it landed near the green.

 Fortunately, I had played the greens so many times, I could visualize the lay of the land and was able to direct my brother and uncle where they needed to aim.

I think as we journey through the fogs of life, we can make our decisions and live our lives with peace because Christ knows every dogleg in our path. He stands next to us and tells us how to line up and execute our play.

God’s Words to Me this Week

2 Corinthians 3:4-5

Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.

We are not able to choose our circumstances, but we can choose how we react to them whether experiencing the uncertainty of fog or basking in the brightest sunlight. 

God Has Overcome the World

January 20, 2013

  

I started actual radiation treatments on January 15.

The effects of the chemo are leaving gradually, but not without reminders that the body is still unhappy with the gook it’s trying to shake off, mainly swelling, continued sinus infection, and hives. On the positive side, my mental acuity has improved to the point I am driving again as well as cooking. 

Although, I occasionally still forget to turn off the burner when I'm drying a cast iron pan. And yesterday, I left the garage door open and forgot to set the house alarm.

Oh well…I probably can’t blame those kinds of things on chemo brain because I used to do that before cancer.

But God is good and He is still teaching me many things through this journey.  Here are a few of those life-altering lessons:

Psalm 146:5

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God.

We who hope in God can rejoice because God is the maker of Heaven and Earth, the sea and everything. The Lord is faithful. He upholds the oppressed. He feeds the hungry. He sets the prisoner free. He gives sight to the blind. He lefts up those who are down. He sustains those who are helpless. And most importantly. He reigns forever. With a power list such as this, how can we not rejoice in God?

1 John 1:4

We write this to make our joy complete.

John was witness to Christ’s ministry death, and resurrection. He wrote letters to believers of what he knew to be rue. In that telling, his joy in Christ’s work was reborn. When we share what God has done for us, how He sustains us in our difficult times, our joy is renewed.

Psalm 121:8

Th Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more.

This is not a promise of immortality or freedom from the effects of sin upon the earth. It is rather a promise of constant companionship. Nothing happens to me outside of God’s foreknowledge, not even this cancer. But he prepares the way and goes through the process with me.

 John 16:33

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

And this is the peace I continue to claim. No matter what comes in this world, God has the power for us to overcome it. Though it may be to our death—God will grant us peace to overcome our fear. Even if the healing doesn't come.

Never Alone With Cancer

Special post today by fellow writer and cancer survivor Alice Thomas.
I'm sure you'll find her story encouraging.

By

Alice Thomas

I cried and prayed all the way home from the radiologist’s office. “Dear God, please let this cup pass from me. Please let the biopsy be benign.”

In my heart I heard Him reply, “My grace is sufficient for you.”

“Yes, Lord, I know. But who will take care of me if I have cancer?”

My three daughters were married with families of their own and didn’t live near me.

“I will never leave you nor forsake you,” I heard Him say.

 “Excuse me, Father,” I continued, as I switched lanes and tried to see through tears. “Can you cook my meals, drive me to surgery, and be with me for four-hour chemotherapy treatments?”

Silence.

I cried some more while mumbling, “Not to mention all the radiation treatments.”

As a single woman, I thought I had nobody to care for me, but God soon showed me differently.

  

When I received the dreaded diagnosis, my girls insisted on accompanying me to see the doctors. Leigh arose early to drive the 100 miles to my house and then to the appointments.

“That’s too much trouble for you,” I protested. “I can do it. I’m a schoolteacher and drive to work every day.”

“I’ll take you,” she replied. “There’s a lot to remember and you need someone along who can write it down while you talk with the doctor. Besides, you don’t think I’d let my mother go through this alone, do you?”

When Leigh and I entered the surgery center for the lumpectomy, waiting at the door to my room were my nurse daughter Jessica, her husband Joe, and my sister Betty. I exclaimed,  “What are you doing here?”

Jessica replied, “You don’t think we’d let you go through this alone, do you?”

This time I was silent.

As the months passed and I underwent chemotherapy, each of my children swooped in and took care of me. Leigh drove me to chemo treatments, stayed beside me, and then brought me home and tucked me in bed. Jessica came by each day after work to check my vitals and perform other nursing duties. She monitored my meals to make certain I was eating enough to keep my strength and blood count up. When my hair began to fall out, she took me to the wig shop and helped me select the right style. She even sent a photo of her bald mother to her sister Missy in New York, and they all told me I had a pretty head!

Every day colleagues from the high school where I teach called me or came by with food, flowers, and encouragement.  Students brought gifts and their parents sent encouraging emails. Neighbors offered to take me to treatments, cook my meals, and bring in my mail. Church friends gave me their cell numbers so I could call them for help as they left meals on my table and cards in my mailbox. My sister sat with me during one of the chemo treatments until Missy arrived from New York on a morning plane to stay with me for a whole week. Even my son-in-law Steve took charge of me during one round of chemo.

During the treatments when I was weak and sleeping so much, my family and friends visited me regularly and called daily. Then through the 30 radiation treatments, they continued to support me.

Through the words and actions of my family and friends I kept hearing God say, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Now I’m convinced He never will.

End

Measuring My Days

January 2, 2013

Next phase of the Journey: Radiation

(Had the initial appointment today. Mold will be made on Friday then treatments will start five days later for 33 treatments) 

Psalm 39:4,7

Show me, O Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life….but now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.

A new year. Like many I have thought about what resolutions I should make to improve my health and lot in life. Many vow they will eat better and exercise more. Many others go beyond the physical realm and look into the heart, desiring to better their attitudes and relationships.

Whether in remission or currently suffering the outrages of treatment, cancer changes your life and your outlook entirely. It forces to you evaluate what is important in your life.

As I begin the next leg of my cancer journey, I rub my bald head and wish all could be as it once was knowing that will never be. So I begin to pray, asking God to help me look forward, not backward.

I no longer am driven by the next manuscript, though I have obligations and stories still burn within me, begging to be told. My goals are no longer measured by what books I’ll write in the coming year.

As I prayed for God’s intentions for me in 2013, these are what He has placed on my heart.

Give each new day to Me  

Starting the day fresh with God makes all the difference in the world. It is more important than going to the gym, checking my email, or Facebook page. I know God awaits me with the dawn of the day. He stands ready to give me just what I need for its measure.

As the Psalmist wrote, sometimes our intentions fail. God does not. He will be there whether I come or not. It is my loss when I don’t. He does not punish me for failing a religious ritual. Rather, he knows that my failure to meet with him is to my detriment, making a harder day for myself than necessary.

Find My purpose for you in each new day and fulfill it.   

This will only be successful to the degree I follow the former. When we begin the day with God, He supplies our purpose for that day. It may only be a walk in the park where He opens our eyes to His creation. Or it may be to finish that manuscript that is so near done. It may be playing a game of wii with hubby. God knows that even the mundane and routine of life can bring us to unexpected revelations of His glory.

See more, do more.

During this cancer bout, I have been confined for long periods of time. God has been good, and provided me with diversion to keep from going bonkers. I discovered a new television series. I bought a Kindle and am reading some great books. More importantly, confinement has brought me closer to God, giving me more opportunity to pray.

 During the days when I am stronger, I seek to explore God’s world more. I have come to realize that my writing career is only a part of who I am. Before the cancer, I made the mistake of chaining myself to my computer all day, letting opportunities of enrichment slide by. God has shown me that, He has a host of experiences to show me. Word count for a writer is important, but if we do not experience life, we have nothing to write about.

Receive My love  

Cancer has shown me how very much loved I am, not only by friends and family but by God. This blessing above all others has sustained me. Perhaps, in the past, I have taken this truth for granted. God’s abundant love for us can never be truly comprehended, but we can open our hearts to receive it.

When we accept the Lord as our Savior, He does more than give us eternal life. He indwells us with His love. It is already there. It is my prayer that I will each day, I will remember His outpouring of mercy. Such joy can only bring about the best in each new day.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  (NIV)